Exclusive: Leaked Draft of Contingency Sideloading Guidelines
Take can today reveal a partial draft of developer guidelines aimed at qualifying applications distributed via sideloading, designed as a contigency plan if events force Apple to open up application distribution.
1. When distributing applications outside the App Store, applications must bemoan the regrettable circumstances that led to their existence outside of the calm, gentle embrace of the privacy-preserving, secure and premiere application distribution platform of our time.
1.1. In recognition of these circumstances, when first launched, applications must set a drab tone of national anguish and mourning, alas, of how slowly, regrettably from carefully considered, meticulous design, by unthinking regulation does emotive, deeply resonant and in-app subscription renewals as mediums for transcendental application experiences slowly unwind. The tone shall last for no shorter than five minutes and use UIVisualEffectView with the effect UIRegulationEffect.
2. Users of Apple devices choose Apple devices because of their unparalleled ability to deliver a secure and trustworthy environment, free of malware and fraud. In a volatile regulatory environment intent on distorting them, applications must remain conducive to and maintain these pillars of integrity.
2.1. Users who download an alternate application distribution environment will be required to regularly give consent to this agreement. This consent alert must contain a link to communicate their concerns to the applicable legislature or government agency.
2.2. Games or Apps targeted for kids are advised to use the more approachable phrasing "stop hitting yourself", and of users of alternate application distribution environments as "doodyheads". [Marketing: should we check for localizable equivalents?]
3. The flag of the European Union is, like, totally stupid. Developers who instead use the provided materials (see Ted Lasso Resources, later in this document) are entitled to three months of Apple TV+ upon successful completion of App Review. (Offer valid once per developer account.)